Didn't mean to, and I really shouldn't, because it's not the right guy.

I love being single, so I'm not going to act upon my infatuation. It's a little refreshing, though; it reminds me of what it's like to care for someone and to look past their flaws. Everyone thinks this is naive thinking, and, it is, if you let it ruin your judgement. But it reminds me of how God is able to accept us as we are, and how he is totally infatuated with His creation. Haha, I hope I'm not spewing out blasphemy! I'm having a hard time trying to explain what I mean.

Sigh.

I want to tell you how amazing I think you are! That you are thoughtful! That you are handsome! I love that I can be ugly and fat around you but still feel like I'm cute! And I love that you assure me with your words that I am a worthy human being.

Thank you.

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2. Suitup! potluck and hangout! We decided to forego a bible study this week because this coming week is Thanksgiving break and we won't be seeing each other. It was awesome because there were so many newcomers! It was also awesome because the potluck was actually kind of last minute, but there was both an ample variety and amount of food, and we all enjoyed ourselves as a family. Afterwards, a few of us stayed after to watch Facing the Giants, a Christian movie that p.Dave mentioned once in a sermon. Even though the acting was terrible, it was definitely moving and a good reminder that God will provide everything we need, and we should never forget to trust Him!

3. GCC Study Hall. Even though we all started dancing and broke concentration the moment Kevin, our room supervisor, left the room, it was still a good time of worship. I know I didn't get nearly as much work as I wanted done, but I could feel the spirit in the room as we all did our work. I definitely think we need more study vigils, and that they should be longer! 1.5-2 hours is not long enough! But yeah, we should never forget that our studies are a huge form of worship to God, and that this is the reason why we are here in the first place.

4. Suitup! girls sleeping over on Thursday night. Even though I couldn't stay and events made me not be around, it's always blessing for me to be able to open my house to others. Usually, Aerin will stay at my place because it's late and she doesn't want to commute back home, but Mio and Aimee both have their own apartments, and yet they still wanted to come over and hang out. I don't know exactly how to explain it but it just makes me feel really happy that I can serve others just by opening up my doors and offering my bed and blankets.

5. Going through all my facebook pictures with Zach. All my facebook photos are hidden because I hate how I look in more of them and it's too embarrassing to have them public. But Zach went through all his pictures with me, so I returned the favor. It was humbling, and even though my self-esteem kept going down with each picture, it made me realize that others will still like me even though I have bad pictures. I know this should be a given, and obviously I know this in my brain, but it's another thing to actually experience it. I know that my friends will not forsake me for having ugly pictures, but I really need to learn how to love myself and have more confidence, especially because God made me the way I am, and since He is perfect, I must be perfect in my creation, too. God makes no mistakes.

6. This is kind of related to the previous point, but Zach told me that one of the things he really doesn't like about me is that I have no confidence in myself, and it's true. And it made me realize that this is why I can't have a boyfriend (haha sorry I know I always talk about the same things). It's always been easier for me to love and serve others, to the best of my ability, and it never concerned me that I don't love myself. I figured that one day, I would find a guy who would love me for who I am, and that would make up for my lack of self-love, but actually, it's the opposite. How can I expect someone to love me if I don't even love myself? Therefore, no boys for me until I learned to at least accept myself in all that I am.

7. Megan and Joey came this weekend from Baltimore because Megan needed to get her stitches out. She ended up not getting her stitches out, but every and any time I spend with my best friend is always good. Being friends with Joey has also been great because even though he sucks at answering questions sometimes, we've had some pretty thoughtful conversations that have helped me a lot. It's also nice to be able to be friends with someone that is friends with Megan, instead of her hanging out with me and my friends or me hanging out with her and her friends (woo what a confusing sentence). And befriending Tiff is also a praise in my life! Even though I still don't know her that well, I feel like God has given me an older sister to look up to.

8. Eric being there for me when I needed him. Eric has definitely been one of the biggest blessings that God has provided me in my life, and even though last year was kind of rough, I'm glad to have such a great friend. Sometimes I'm iffy on which friends I can fall back on, not because I don't trust them, but because I'm scared of becoming a burden or a nuisance; as a result, I almost never initiate conversation to share my problems when I'm feeling sad/lonely/angry/depressed. But today, I'm glad I did. Even though it was emotionally draining, I definitely felt a lot better.

Yay for being so blessed this past week that I couldn't even condense it to 7 points! Actually, this past week has had a lot of lonely and discouraging moments, so realizing that my week has been blessed so much is a huge blessing in itself :)

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No matter what it is though, family group never fails to show me what a terrible person I am. Don't get me wrong; I love family group and I love all my members, and they have all been nothing but huge blessings to me. But I guess in the midst of it all, trying to serve the way God wants me to serve has taken a toll on my soul. I'm often angry and discouraged, not by others, but by myself, realizing how terrible an example I am to those I love around me. I know I've said this before, but honestly, how can I serve others when I don't even have my own life together? How can I encourage my family group members to be good students when I myself have terrible study habits?

It feels terrible to know that God has changed my life, given me so much joy, and provided my life with so much purpose, yet I do an atrocious job of showing it. It doesn't matter my intentions and justifications in anything I do...but I realize that even just at face value, my actions should show my faith and how much I want to worship God. If no one can tell on the surface that I have been transformed by Christ's grace, then what in the world am I doing?

"Never compromise your convictions."
"Access the situation, and then say what's on your heart."
"In the end, if everything comes back to God, then how can you not be a blessing?"

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Since then, this word has become precious to me, because even though it's word that could be misunderstood, it's actually a treasuring adjective, dressing up nouns to add "priceless" and "indispensable" into the meaning.

God's invaluable love and grace.

An invaluable friendship.

Invaluable life experiences.

Invaluable.

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This week seemed to pass by in a flash. After pulling 8 all nighters last week, I definitely enjoyed my rested nights this week. Monday, though, was a terrible day. Even though I invested so much time, effort, and money in my tea packaging project, the critique went terribly, and I felt so inadequate as a design student. It was really frustrating to have tried so hard and still not have done well - what's the point of doing my best if I'm just going to get a bad grade?

I talked to my mom about it, which was kind of nerve wracking. There's definitely a part of me that's always fighting for my parents approval. Some of it is because of the pressure they put on me, but most of it is because I know that I've never lived up to any type of expectation my parents had for me, and for that I feel like I've failed them as a daughter. Maybe this pressure that I've put on myself to be pleasing to my parents has made it so that I am constantly envision my parents being disappointed in me. But in a surprising turn of events, when I told my mom that I felt like it was stupid to have done so much only to get negative feedback in return, she said, "Well, you shouldn't think about that, because the outcome doesn't matter as long as you've learned something in the process, because you'll be able to use whatever you learned later in life." Although I'm still really disappointed in myself and my project, it was nice to get that kind of advice from my mom, instead of some kind of reprimand.

Yesterday was Campus Wide Worship, which was totally awesome. Cru, Harvest, and DID were there, and all three led their own worship sets. It was really awesome to see so many people worshipping together, in one heart to one God in one room. It was a time of everyone encouraging each other to continue running the good race; it stirred my heart every time someone mentioned our campus, and to see how we are all desperate for our campus to know God. So many times, I am grateful for those who come and get involved in HCF, and it makes me feel like we are being an effective organization for Christ, but yesterday I saw that HCF is totally not alone, and that God has brought together so many different types of people, in different types of ministries, to reach all reach out on Drexel campus. It's awesome to know that as we have our weekly family groups, there is another organization meeting at the same time doing the same thing as us!

It's so awesome to realize that God has made it so that we can worship in so many different ways. Whether it be with a whole band, or a gospel choir without instruments, or with just one guitar, with clapping or without...so many different mediums to stir our hearts to cry out in thanksgiving and praise to our God! He truly listens to our hearts, and I know that His spirit was with us last night. ptl :)

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It is currently 5 am, Sunday morning, which is like 6 am because of daylight savings. I have decided to leave Nesbitt to go home and get my 5 hours of sleep before church service, and I hope I don't regret it. I've listed out the things I have to do tomorrow, and I know that tomorrow night is going to be a long night. On the plus side, I don't have to go to book design tomorrow, which means I get to sleep right after the critique. I just hope I'm not too ambitious or optimistic about my work ethic or how much work I can get done in 14 hours before crit time. The hours just fly by when you're doing design work! I've pulled all nighters every day this week since last Sunday, except for Friday night, when I took a nap before FNL and didn't wake up until the next morning. It's definitely taken a toll on my mind...I have a hard time thinking of words I want to say or even reading smoothly, and my attention span has definitely gotten a lot shorter.

Anywho, yeah, I hope I can get all my work done tomorrow night. It's not even I hope, it's more like I NEED to, otherwise I am going to fail this project and I will have done all this work for nothing. So yeah, I hope I don't regret passing up opportunity to pull an all-nighter tonight for 5 (a little less because I still have to walk home...) hours of sleep. ...I also really hope these types of trade-offs only exist in college and I will never have to make such dramatic and lame choices in the real world.

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This encourages me because even though I'm without a guy (and pretty happy as a single lady! *hands up*), I know that there is such thing as a beautiful relationship. I know that, even in my weakest and loneliest of times, when I really want a boyfriend or whatever, that there will eventually be someone who will love me. It's hard to be patient, but in the end, it will be worth it!

I was actually sharing at servants meeting a couple weeks ago about how happy that I am to be single. I'm not against being in a relationship, and I still like boys, but I know that if I had been in a relationship the past few weeks, my life would've been even crazier! Being single, I'm able to concentrate on being a student, on loving my family group, and on making new friends. Ok, maybe if I were with the right guy, I would still be able to do things, but I guess that's what I mean; it's so easy to be with the wrong guy, and I want to be able to be with someone who can build me up, pray with me, and encourage me, and of course I want to be able to do the same for him!

In the last episode of Amazing Race that I watched, a Christian couple was in last place and they were eliminated from the race. The husband said, "I'm more in love with her now than I ever have been. I don't know how two close people can get, but we are so very much in love." I guess it seems pretty typical for a husband to say that about his wife, but for some reason, it really struck me, especially when he started tearing up in between his words. I'm excited to know that I'll like someone when I start dating them, I'll love them when we get married, and I'll love them most the day I die, because that's how love should be - it should grow every day.

Until then...PTL :]

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2. Meeting up one-on-one with Mio and getting to know her more. I wish I had started meeting up with girls in my family group earlier, but so far, Mio's the first one. Even though I feel like there were things left unsaid, I'm so thankful that she was willing to share food with me and to open up and let me know more about her. She's so cute, and I really hope that soon she can also open up and talk more in family group!

3. Serving with Eric and Steve in Suit Up!, as well as Suit Up! as a whole! Servant meetings are really blessing, even though we go overtime a lot. I feel like God has really blessed us as a servants team and family group, and most of time, family group is the one thing I look forward to the most, and also ends up being a highlight of my week. This week was Aimee's birthday, and we awkwardly surprised her with cake and sparkler candles. Eileen also made cinnamon rolls because we had talked about them last week, and Keith was so happy! "Come over here and let me give you hug." HAHA. Also, hearing Eric talk about how he almost killed JP with a kite when they were children. JP almost dying isn't funny, but imagining Eric flying a kite is freaking hilarious.

4. Spontaneous WaWa trip with the little, and finding out who my grandlittle is! Best family ever.

5. Hanging out with Zach Wednesday night and having good conversation.

6. This sounds weird, but going on a bad date. I was really angry at the time and afterwards, but it's good to know that I can be independent, and that I'm not the type of girl who falls for any guy in front of her. It's a blessing to know I have standards and that I can keep to them!

7. Being alive despite having pulled all-nighters every night of this week!

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And by "we", I mean everyone except me. I honestly don't feel like I'm good or awesome at anything, and, reading my last few posts of this week, I feel like there's a lot of self-deprecation going on. I feel easily beat up and discouraged, and so a lot of my posts become long rants full of complaining and whining. No good!

I need to start counting my blessings and affirm myself more often, even if it sometimes seems like the bad outweighs the good. It's like how the news only has bad things because that's what people want to hear, but the good news usually gets overlooked and is under appreciated. On tumblr, Joycelin would often do posts on 7 things she's thankful for, and I think I shall follow suit.

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I hate this about myself! Why can't I just be organized in a way that I remember everything and can manage my time to its most efficient potential? I don't even feel like I procrastinate--when I don't do my work, it's because I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do or execute what I want to do. It's so frustrating.

Need to trust in God more and let him calm me, energize me, strengthen me, and grow me. I'm definitely trying to do too much on my own and the more I do things on my own, the quicker I become burnt out and the wearier I get.

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Or maybe it was just TOO GOOD to ever have a second date.

...Nah, it was just a really bad date.

First of all, if you tell me you don't know what pho is and I say I'm going to bring you to eat pho, and you say okay, THEN ORDER PHO WHEN WE GO OUT TO EAT PHO. This guy orders some where dish because he says he doesn't want "soup" because he was too hungry and it wouldn't be filling enough. IT'S PHO. IT WILL FILL YOU UP.

Second, and this may be controversial, but if you ask me out on a date and I say no, but then you really want to "get to know me" or whatever, then at least pay. Like honestly, I'm not one of those girls who always expects guys to pay, and usually I would honestly prefer to pay for my own portion of the meal. But I didn't even want to go on this date in the first place, and the guy doesn't even offer to pay, and actually says, "How about I pay with my card and you just give me 6 bucks for your order." Uhm, okay. Thanks bro, for nothing.

Third, we are almost about to graduate college. Most seniors in college are already 21, and if not, then 21 is just around the corner. Being 21 means we can legally buy alcohol, so why are you talking about drinking alcohol has if you're some kind of rebel? It's legal dude, we're not in high school anymore. Also, what makes you think I'd be attracted to your previous weed obsession? I know people smoke up, do drugs, and whatever else floats their boat, but again, it's just so high school to flaunt it like you're some kind of social miscreant.

No more dates for me! >:O

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To start, I don't ever feel like I'm a leader. I don't mean like, high and mighty boss-type leader, but rather, it's really hard for me to feel like I'm someone who is worthy of guiding others to know Jesus. I know this is untrue because we are all called to encourage one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, but I often get discouraged by my own imperfection and flaws. How can I encourage my family group members to be good students when I am a TERRIBLE student? How can I encourage my family group members to read the bible more when I don't even read it consistently? How can I challenge them to get to know God when I don't even challenge myself enough? I don't know if it's because the adversary is telling me lies or what, but these insecurities always make me doubt myself when I talk to fg members, and I wonder if I'm actually unblessing them by saying one thing and not acting upon my own advices. You can't fake being a leader, and so it scares me that others will see me as a hypocrite, and as a result not care about having a relationship with God.

Another thing I've been realizing, especially in the past week or so, is that, because I have experienced Christ and the Spirit, I know the power and value of a testimony. I know what the invaluable joy of knowing God's love feels like, and I know that there's no other emotion or feeling that compares to understanding how faithful God is to his people. But just because I have known and felt that joy doesn't mean others will understand, and so even if I say something that I know holds so much value as a testament to God's sovereignty, the value in which others receive it might not be that much. They may smile and say, "Oh, that's nice.", but until they experience a relationship with Jesus themselves, they will never be able to have the same desperation to grow a relationship with Christ.

So what can I do? So far this year I have learned that it's important to let God work on his own time, and that our time in family group just really has to be put in his hands. It seems like such a simple and obvious thought, but it's actually really difficult to execute. It's so hard to let God be the one who leads bible study or discussion or whatever. Thinking about it now, I honestly don't even know why I get worried, because I know that when the time is right, hearts will be shaken, and I just need to be patient.

I guess I just answered my own question.

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