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I spent a lot of my time this past day in the library, yet I wasn't able to focus on anything and I was really unproductive. Close to midnight, I started to get pretty frustrated with myself. Why am I such a bad example to the Drexel ministry in that I seem to not even try and be a good student? The more I thought about it, the more discouraged I became and the more I felt like a failure. I ended up calling my parents and asked them to pray for me, which is a pretty huge deal, I think. I know that my parents are always available for me and that they live me, yet it's often difficult for me to call them and talk with them. It's not that I've never done it before, but I guess there's just a certain humility (for lack of a better word?) that comes with it and I'm not always willing to pick up the phone and dial home...but I did tonight and it was overwhelmingly blessing to hear my dad pray for me and my schoolwork.

I also asked for two friends to pray for me and the result was pretty encouraging. In my post a few hours ago, I was definitely struggling. After seeking out and going to my family and friends though, I am definitely so blessed, and so thankful for the ones that God has put in my life. After their prayers and encouragement, I actually remembered an assignment that is due today that I didn't start and had totally forgotten about. It was discouraging, but I was able to focus for the past three hours and get the work done. ptl!

So again, God is so good, and He is so faithful and never fails to show His love for His children. How awesome is His patience for us when we feel discouraged and weary? Thank you thank you!

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Out of all my struggles, the one that tires me out the most are feelings of worthlessness. Because I know that I'm not and I know that my Father loves me. I know that there are people around me who love me. I know that I have a family who will support me and lift me up.

Yet I still feel so worn out, you know? It seems weird to say that I'm worn out from loneliness, but that's exactly what it feels like. The lies of the enemy are so strong, and it gets tiring to close off my ears to them. I'll always find time where I'm all by myself with no one around me to make me feel like I matter...and even though I know that the Lord's love is the only love that can fully sustain me, it's so hard to remember. I'm not exactly sure why...is it because I'm scared that it's not actually sufficient for me? Am I scared because it might mean that I'm not loved the way I want to be loved? Or that I might not feel the exact way I want to feel? I honestly don't know but I wish I could just get over it.

Get me behind me, satan. Yes, I am weary, but your lies are still lies and they will never be Truth no matter how many times you repeat yourself. You can punch me all you want but you will never break me because God has molded me to be strong!

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Something that was really encouraging to our family group is that two of our members accepted Christ during retreat. It was definitely really blessing for me to see kids in my family group believe and know that God is real, that God loves them, and that God is a lifter of burdens. But I've also realized that, even though God is a lifter of burdens, the world still sucks. One of our family group members has gone through a lot and when I met him, I could see that there was a lot of wear and tear on his heart. The church was really comforting to him and he told us that it was a community where he felt like he belonged - something he never really felt before. I know, though, that this time after retreat is a really vulnerable time. I know that the enemy will only try harder to discourage this guy and speak lies into his ears, and I really pray that he won't listen to the lies of the enemy. I hope that he is wary of his surroundings and continues to depend on God and carry his burdens over to the Lord even when it seems like everything is going wrong.

I know that this also has been a lesson in my own life. I've never really understood how exactly to depend on God and how to hand my burdens over to Him. I've never had trouble praying when I was in need, but I think I'm finally starting to understand what it means to really depend on God. I'm still not at a point where I can explain it, but having that assurance that everything is going to be okay and my life will never spiral out of control because God's hand is strong and His grace is so bountiful is so awesome to have on my conscience.

The spiritual battle in this world is all too real and, if we're not careful, it can really break us. But the bible tells us that God is already victorious, so as long as we have confidence in that truth, there is nothing we need to fear. We'll feel the pains sometimes and we'll see the injustice and the suffering around us, but we have to remember that those things are just what the enemy uses to hinder us and confuse us away from our Father. The world is imperfect and the world is decaying, and that is why those things are around us. It is nothing compared to our future in Heaven!

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My hope is that I will always remember that no one is perfect. Even the great characters of the Bible, such as Noah, Abraham, and King David, they were all imperfect! They were sinners, and they were part of Jesus' bloodline! If God called sinners, by His grace, to be His forefathers, should we be surprised that He would call sinners to be His descendants?

I am a sinner. I have nothing to be ashamed of, because I know that Jesus has washed me clean, and really, it's the times that I am at my weakest that I need Jesus the most. It doesn't make sense for me to be held back from worshipping God with all that I have because I've made some mistakes; in fact, that's exactly the reason why I only need to praise Him more! And why wouldn't I? The King cares about me so much that He manifested himself into human form to save me from my imperfections.

There's so much to say and process, so I'll have to continue another time. But I just wanted to remind myself of how refreshing retreat was, despite being kind of hesitant to go at first. Hallelujah!

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No matter what it is though, family group never fails to show me what a terrible person I am. Don't get me wrong; I love family group and I love all my members, and they have all been nothing but huge blessings to me. But I guess in the midst of it all, trying to serve the way God wants me to serve has taken a toll on my soul. I'm often angry and discouraged, not by others, but by myself, realizing how terrible an example I am to those I love around me. I know I've said this before, but honestly, how can I serve others when I don't even have my own life together? How can I encourage my family group members to be good students when I myself have terrible study habits?

It feels terrible to know that God has changed my life, given me so much joy, and provided my life with so much purpose, yet I do an atrocious job of showing it. It doesn't matter my intentions and justifications in anything I do...but I realize that even just at face value, my actions should show my faith and how much I want to worship God. If no one can tell on the surface that I have been transformed by Christ's grace, then what in the world am I doing?

"Never compromise your convictions."
"Access the situation, and then say what's on your heart."
"In the end, if everything comes back to God, then how can you not be a blessing?"

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This week seemed to pass by in a flash. After pulling 8 all nighters last week, I definitely enjoyed my rested nights this week. Monday, though, was a terrible day. Even though I invested so much time, effort, and money in my tea packaging project, the critique went terribly, and I felt so inadequate as a design student. It was really frustrating to have tried so hard and still not have done well - what's the point of doing my best if I'm just going to get a bad grade?

I talked to my mom about it, which was kind of nerve wracking. There's definitely a part of me that's always fighting for my parents approval. Some of it is because of the pressure they put on me, but most of it is because I know that I've never lived up to any type of expectation my parents had for me, and for that I feel like I've failed them as a daughter. Maybe this pressure that I've put on myself to be pleasing to my parents has made it so that I am constantly envision my parents being disappointed in me. But in a surprising turn of events, when I told my mom that I felt like it was stupid to have done so much only to get negative feedback in return, she said, "Well, you shouldn't think about that, because the outcome doesn't matter as long as you've learned something in the process, because you'll be able to use whatever you learned later in life." Although I'm still really disappointed in myself and my project, it was nice to get that kind of advice from my mom, instead of some kind of reprimand.

Yesterday was Campus Wide Worship, which was totally awesome. Cru, Harvest, and DID were there, and all three led their own worship sets. It was really awesome to see so many people worshipping together, in one heart to one God in one room. It was a time of everyone encouraging each other to continue running the good race; it stirred my heart every time someone mentioned our campus, and to see how we are all desperate for our campus to know God. So many times, I am grateful for those who come and get involved in HCF, and it makes me feel like we are being an effective organization for Christ, but yesterday I saw that HCF is totally not alone, and that God has brought together so many different types of people, in different types of ministries, to reach all reach out on Drexel campus. It's awesome to know that as we have our weekly family groups, there is another organization meeting at the same time doing the same thing as us!

It's so awesome to realize that God has made it so that we can worship in so many different ways. Whether it be with a whole band, or a gospel choir without instruments, or with just one guitar, with clapping or without...so many different mediums to stir our hearts to cry out in thanksgiving and praise to our God! He truly listens to our hearts, and I know that His spirit was with us last night. ptl :)

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To start, I don't ever feel like I'm a leader. I don't mean like, high and mighty boss-type leader, but rather, it's really hard for me to feel like I'm someone who is worthy of guiding others to know Jesus. I know this is untrue because we are all called to encourage one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, but I often get discouraged by my own imperfection and flaws. How can I encourage my family group members to be good students when I am a TERRIBLE student? How can I encourage my family group members to read the bible more when I don't even read it consistently? How can I challenge them to get to know God when I don't even challenge myself enough? I don't know if it's because the adversary is telling me lies or what, but these insecurities always make me doubt myself when I talk to fg members, and I wonder if I'm actually unblessing them by saying one thing and not acting upon my own advices. You can't fake being a leader, and so it scares me that others will see me as a hypocrite, and as a result not care about having a relationship with God.

Another thing I've been realizing, especially in the past week or so, is that, because I have experienced Christ and the Spirit, I know the power and value of a testimony. I know what the invaluable joy of knowing God's love feels like, and I know that there's no other emotion or feeling that compares to understanding how faithful God is to his people. But just because I have known and felt that joy doesn't mean others will understand, and so even if I say something that I know holds so much value as a testament to God's sovereignty, the value in which others receive it might not be that much. They may smile and say, "Oh, that's nice.", but until they experience a relationship with Jesus themselves, they will never be able to have the same desperation to grow a relationship with Christ.

So what can I do? So far this year I have learned that it's important to let God work on his own time, and that our time in family group just really has to be put in his hands. It seems like such a simple and obvious thought, but it's actually really difficult to execute. It's so hard to let God be the one who leads bible study or discussion or whatever. Thinking about it now, I honestly don't even know why I get worried, because I know that when the time is right, hearts will be shaken, and I just need to be patient.

I guess I just answered my own question.

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Not all of our hunger is spiritual, even though we may convince ourselves that it is. We may say we're "fasting" from facebook, but are we really? We may say we're "fasting" from food, but are we really? We fast because we have a genuine hunger for God in our life; or at least, that's how it should be.

Even though we are engaging in spiritual activity, in attending church or praying or worshipping, we still hunger for worldly things. Are we genuine in our cries and our thirst for God, or do we do these things because we think that by following religious practices, God will bless us and do our bidding? Do we go to church and pray to prove to God that we are good children so that he will reward us with what we want, or is it because we love our Father and want a spiritual connection with Him?

In John 5:2-9, Jesus asked an invalid if he wanted to be healed. Instead of an immediate, "Yes, I want to be healed!", the man started giving excuses as to why he hasn't been healed in the past 38 years, even though he sits by a pool with miraculous powers. Like the invalid, we say we are hungry, but we are continuously just waiting for miraculous things to happen to us instead of chasing after our own sustenance. If I was really hungry for God, would I not go out of my way to chase after a relationship with Him? If I want something bad enough, I know I would do anything to obtain it, so why is that not the same case with meeting my Heavenly Father?

Jesus sees our desires to be closer to him, but that doesn't mean we don't need to show initiative. God promises us that if we are sincere, then we will be satisfied in our quest to fill our spiritual hunger and quench our spiritual thirst. Relationships are a two-way street; God is constantly reaching out to us, but we still need to do our part to take His hand.

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