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Shoot. Shoot shoot shoot.
I honestly can't tell if God's timing is telling me to not like him or if that's just how life plays out sometimes. I don't know if it's because I want it to be the way life plays out sometimes and I'm actually in denial that it may just well be God's timing.
But whhhyyy?
I have confidence. I have confidence that he likes me back. And I'm not worried and calculated like some of my friends are, or like some of my friends tell me to be. I'm go-with-the-flow; I enjoy my time hanging out with him without expecting anything more.
It is getting tiring, though. Are you leading me on? Can't you just give me a straight answer? You either like me or you don't.
And why is it so hard to just let go? Because I don't want to ruin my friendship with him. Because I don't want "letting go" mean to sever all ties with him.
But maybe that's what I have to do; after all, it's not like he's been a good friend to me, too. All along, he's been a good "in-between", and I hate in-between's.
Soon, I'll have to make a decision and I feel like, either way, I'm going to get hurt if I don't properly guard my heart.
I honestly can't tell if God's timing is telling me to not like him or if that's just how life plays out sometimes. I don't know if it's because I want it to be the way life plays out sometimes and I'm actually in denial that it may just well be God's timing.
But whhhyyy?
I have confidence. I have confidence that he likes me back. And I'm not worried and calculated like some of my friends are, or like some of my friends tell me to be. I'm go-with-the-flow; I enjoy my time hanging out with him without expecting anything more.
It is getting tiring, though. Are you leading me on? Can't you just give me a straight answer? You either like me or you don't.
And why is it so hard to just let go? Because I don't want to ruin my friendship with him. Because I don't want "letting go" mean to sever all ties with him.
But maybe that's what I have to do; after all, it's not like he's been a good friend to me, too. All along, he's been a good "in-between", and I hate in-between's.
Soon, I'll have to make a decision and I feel like, either way, I'm going to get hurt if I don't properly guard my heart.
Labels: boys, frustrations, thoughts
Written on Sunday, April 22, 2012 at 2:19 AM
by tini
Finals Week
The past few weeks have been overwhelmingly stressful, and it will be over tomorrow!
I also feel like it's a possibility that I might have to stay a term or two...but well see. I keep putting off e-mailing my teacher and by tomorrow, it will probably be too late. We'll see what happens.
Lost the sheet for my pr media kit assignment. Final tomorrow morning. Gotta finish this 10-page paper tonight.
I just want school to be over. I also want to write a book, but I don't know where to start.
How to organize all these thoughts? Why is it when things happen, they all have to happen at the same time? Sometimes it feels like I'm only capable of handlings things one at a time.
Also, why are boys stupid?
On a brighter note, met with Hanna Chung today, and it was really encouraging! Finally, someone to talk to.
I also feel like it's a possibility that I might have to stay a term or two...but well see. I keep putting off e-mailing my teacher and by tomorrow, it will probably be too late. We'll see what happens.
Lost the sheet for my pr media kit assignment. Final tomorrow morning. Gotta finish this 10-page paper tonight.
I just want school to be over. I also want to write a book, but I don't know where to start.
How to organize all these thoughts? Why is it when things happen, they all have to happen at the same time? Sometimes it feels like I'm only capable of handlings things one at a time.
Also, why are boys stupid?
On a brighter note, met with Hanna Chung today, and it was really encouraging! Finally, someone to talk to.
Written on Thursday, March 22, 2012 at 8:51 PM
by tini
worth
My worth is found through my Father in Heaven, not through other people.
Why is it so hard to remember that?
For the most part, I don't really care that much what people think of me. It's way easier for me to be open and carefree than to wonder how I should display myself so that others will like me. If someone likes me, then yay, we're friends. If not then...is it really that much of a loss to not be friends with someone I don't already know that well? Maybe that's not the best attitude but it's just how things stand in my mind right now.
But when my friendships all of a sudden seem off, that is totally the worst. Because it makes me wonder if I've done anything wrong, or what changed? Even though I'm not always concerned with what others think of me or how they perceive me, I deeply cherish the friendships that I DO have, and so when something seems not right, I get really concerned and it makes me second-guess myself. I've mentioned before how one of my biggest fears is to be un-blessing to others, and it would break my heart to end up being a non-blessing to my friends - people whom I love most.
Matthew 16:26 says, "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?"
I can't let my insecurities get the best of me; I can't let the enemy lie to me and constantly tell me that I am broken. Because the truth is, I AM broken, but the truth is also that God sees past my brokenness. He loves me and His strength is made perfect in my weakness, and He's been able to use me in ways that I may never know. So I need to stop worrying and stop being insecure! God loves me and that's all that matters.
Labels: frustrations, God, insecurities, thoughts
Written on Thursday, February 23, 2012 at 8:52 PM
by tini
lenty
This Lent, I have decided to give up my money spending on all things that don't include my rent, bills, and groceries. It's really my hope that I learn what it means to save money and to not be financially frivolous. I've already decided that I need storage bins for when I move, but that's it.
I've actually been feeling a little bitter the past couple of days because my parents haven't really been financially supporting me despite my not having a job. Of course they pay my tuition and my rent, which I'm really grateful for, but they've decided to listen to a pastor who advised them to not give me any money, which I think is really unfair. I don't want to sound bratty, but I have school supplies and bills to pay for...and my minimum wage job is definitely not enough to cover all of those expenses, not to mention the fact that I haven't even included groceries and food money into that thought. Last year I worked two jobs and I got by, but at the expense of my church attendance (which only ensued more bitterness towards the church) and I honestly feel like I just cannot win. Not there there's anything to win...but really? It's like all the people around me can just look at me and go, "tsk", instead of just leaving me alone without judgement so I can survive in this ridiculous, financially draining society.
For example, tomorrow (or rather, today), my painting class is going to the Van Gogh exhibit at the art museum. This is a mandatory trip and it is going to cost $20. Which I don't have. I literally only have 5 dollars in my wallet and 10 dollars in my bank account. Also, I have to pay $30 for my senior portraits, which, again, is money I don't have.
Anyway, the point is, maybe I will learn a thing or two about saving during this Lenten season. I don't even think I spend that much money, but apparently I do because I'm always trying to scrounge for money for whatever reason. So maybe by Easter, I'll actually have a pleasant amount of money so I don't have to be so financially stressed out.
Labels: frustrations, lent, thoughts
Written on Tuesday, February 21, 2012 at 11:02 PM
by tini
who am i that you care to know my name?
For some reason, serving this year has been way more intense than it was last year. Maybe it's because I'm a senior and it seems like there's more responsibility due to being the oldest. Maybe it's because there's more girls for me to minister to. Maybe it's because I want to make my last year in Drexel ministry to count for something.
No matter what it is though, family group never fails to show me what a terrible person I am. Don't get me wrong; I love family group and I love all my members, and they have all been nothing but huge blessings to me. But I guess in the midst of it all, trying to serve the way God wants me to serve has taken a toll on my soul. I'm often angry and discouraged, not by others, but by myself, realizing how terrible an example I am to those I love around me. I know I've said this before, but honestly, how can I serve others when I don't even have my own life together? How can I encourage my family group members to be good students when I myself have terrible study habits?
It feels terrible to know that God has changed my life, given me so much joy, and provided my life with so much purpose, yet I do an atrocious job of showing it. It doesn't matter my intentions and justifications in anything I do...but I realize that even just at face value, my actions should show my faith and how much I want to worship God. If no one can tell on the surface that I have been transformed by Christ's grace, then what in the world am I doing?
"Never compromise your convictions."
"Access the situation, and then say what's on your heart."
"In the end, if everything comes back to God, then how can you not be a blessing?"
"Access the situation, and then say what's on your heart."
"In the end, if everything comes back to God, then how can you not be a blessing?"
Labels: family group, God, self-improvement, spiritual, thoughts
Written on Monday, November 21, 2011 at 1:35 AM
by tini
to be or not
One thing I hope to accomplish in my life is to make a difference in someone's life. There have been so many people who have been huge blessings to me, and I want to be able to spread that type of joy/comfort/love to others.
Moreso than that, however, is my fear of being a hindrance to those around me. My biggest fear is definitely being an un-blessing to others, or to cause others to stumble. I don't want to be the cause of someone's unhappiness, hurt, frustrations or annoyances. But it feels like I don't really do a good job of that. I complain a lot, and I get bitter easily. I'm far from being a good role model, and sometimes I feel like, maybe, just maybe, this is who I am. Maybe I'm not able to make a difference, maybe I'm not able to help anyone out, and maybe I cause more destruction than comfort.
I'm not really sure what to do about it; there are so many things I need to change, and I am easily discouraged. How do I be a better blessing to myself so that I can be a blessing to others? I wonder why it's so hard for me to be organized, productive, or active. Why is it so hard for me to be healthy, and why is it so hard for me to be inspired or motivated to do things that are important, instead of just rolling around in bed watching TV?
In the end, my thoughts are pretty inconclusive, which kind of sucks, because I really, really want to be a better person. I just feel stuck within myself.
Labels: thoughts
Written on Monday, October 31, 2011 at 10:56 PM
by tini
bitter over being bitter
This weekend I saw the type of person I never want to be.
I should try to be a lot more conscious about being a nasty gossip or being super judgmental.
Stay transparent.
I should also make a better effort to be cleaner, more organized, and on time.
Be more of an organized and productive student.
Stay happy, stay carefree. Do not be easily annoyed.
Labels: self-improvement, thoughts
Written on Sunday, October 30, 2011 at 11:03 PM
by tini
sudden realization
So many times, I forsake what I need.
And there are so many things that I want.
But there is nothing I really deserve.
Labels: realization, thoughts
Written on Wednesday, October 26, 2011 at 5:04 AM
by tini