Something that was really encouraging to our family group is that two of our members accepted Christ during retreat. It was definitely really blessing for me to see kids in my family group believe and know that God is real, that God loves them, and that God is a lifter of burdens. But I've also realized that, even though God is a lifter of burdens, the world still sucks. One of our family group members has gone through a lot and when I met him, I could see that there was a lot of wear and tear on his heart. The church was really comforting to him and he told us that it was a community where he felt like he belonged - something he never really felt before. I know, though, that this time after retreat is a really vulnerable time. I know that the enemy will only try harder to discourage this guy and speak lies into his ears, and I really pray that he won't listen to the lies of the enemy. I hope that he is wary of his surroundings and continues to depend on God and carry his burdens over to the Lord even when it seems like everything is going wrong.

I know that this also has been a lesson in my own life. I've never really understood how exactly to depend on God and how to hand my burdens over to Him. I've never had trouble praying when I was in need, but I think I'm finally starting to understand what it means to really depend on God. I'm still not at a point where I can explain it, but having that assurance that everything is going to be okay and my life will never spiral out of control because God's hand is strong and His grace is so bountiful is so awesome to have on my conscience.

The spiritual battle in this world is all too real and, if we're not careful, it can really break us. But the bible tells us that God is already victorious, so as long as we have confidence in that truth, there is nothing we need to fear. We'll feel the pains sometimes and we'll see the injustice and the suffering around us, but we have to remember that those things are just what the enemy uses to hinder us and confuse us away from our Father. The world is imperfect and the world is decaying, and that is why those things are around us. It is nothing compared to our future in Heaven!

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No matter what it is though, family group never fails to show me what a terrible person I am. Don't get me wrong; I love family group and I love all my members, and they have all been nothing but huge blessings to me. But I guess in the midst of it all, trying to serve the way God wants me to serve has taken a toll on my soul. I'm often angry and discouraged, not by others, but by myself, realizing how terrible an example I am to those I love around me. I know I've said this before, but honestly, how can I serve others when I don't even have my own life together? How can I encourage my family group members to be good students when I myself have terrible study habits?

It feels terrible to know that God has changed my life, given me so much joy, and provided my life with so much purpose, yet I do an atrocious job of showing it. It doesn't matter my intentions and justifications in anything I do...but I realize that even just at face value, my actions should show my faith and how much I want to worship God. If no one can tell on the surface that I have been transformed by Christ's grace, then what in the world am I doing?

"Never compromise your convictions."
"Access the situation, and then say what's on your heart."
"In the end, if everything comes back to God, then how can you not be a blessing?"

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To start, I don't ever feel like I'm a leader. I don't mean like, high and mighty boss-type leader, but rather, it's really hard for me to feel like I'm someone who is worthy of guiding others to know Jesus. I know this is untrue because we are all called to encourage one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, but I often get discouraged by my own imperfection and flaws. How can I encourage my family group members to be good students when I am a TERRIBLE student? How can I encourage my family group members to read the bible more when I don't even read it consistently? How can I challenge them to get to know God when I don't even challenge myself enough? I don't know if it's because the adversary is telling me lies or what, but these insecurities always make me doubt myself when I talk to fg members, and I wonder if I'm actually unblessing them by saying one thing and not acting upon my own advices. You can't fake being a leader, and so it scares me that others will see me as a hypocrite, and as a result not care about having a relationship with God.

Another thing I've been realizing, especially in the past week or so, is that, because I have experienced Christ and the Spirit, I know the power and value of a testimony. I know what the invaluable joy of knowing God's love feels like, and I know that there's no other emotion or feeling that compares to understanding how faithful God is to his people. But just because I have known and felt that joy doesn't mean others will understand, and so even if I say something that I know holds so much value as a testament to God's sovereignty, the value in which others receive it might not be that much. They may smile and say, "Oh, that's nice.", but until they experience a relationship with Jesus themselves, they will never be able to have the same desperation to grow a relationship with Christ.

So what can I do? So far this year I have learned that it's important to let God work on his own time, and that our time in family group just really has to be put in his hands. It seems like such a simple and obvious thought, but it's actually really difficult to execute. It's so hard to let God be the one who leads bible study or discussion or whatever. Thinking about it now, I honestly don't even know why I get worried, because I know that when the time is right, hearts will be shaken, and I just need to be patient.

I guess I just answered my own question.

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