Why is it so hard to remember that?

For the most part, I don't really care that much what people think of me. It's way easier for me to be open and carefree than to wonder how I should display myself so that others will like me. If someone likes me, then yay, we're friends. If not then...is it really that much of a loss to not be friends with someone I don't already know that well? Maybe that's not the best attitude but it's just how things stand in my mind right now.

But when my friendships all of a sudden seem off, that is totally the worst. Because it makes me wonder if I've done anything wrong, or what changed? Even though I'm not always concerned with what others think of me or how they perceive me, I deeply cherish the friendships that I DO have, and so when something seems not right, I get really concerned and it makes me second-guess myself. I've mentioned before how one of my biggest fears is to be un-blessing to others, and it would break my heart to end up being a non-blessing to my friends - people whom I love most.

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To start, I don't ever feel like I'm a leader. I don't mean like, high and mighty boss-type leader, but rather, it's really hard for me to feel like I'm someone who is worthy of guiding others to know Jesus. I know this is untrue because we are all called to encourage one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, but I often get discouraged by my own imperfection and flaws. How can I encourage my family group members to be good students when I am a TERRIBLE student? How can I encourage my family group members to read the bible more when I don't even read it consistently? How can I challenge them to get to know God when I don't even challenge myself enough? I don't know if it's because the adversary is telling me lies or what, but these insecurities always make me doubt myself when I talk to fg members, and I wonder if I'm actually unblessing them by saying one thing and not acting upon my own advices. You can't fake being a leader, and so it scares me that others will see me as a hypocrite, and as a result not care about having a relationship with God.

Another thing I've been realizing, especially in the past week or so, is that, because I have experienced Christ and the Spirit, I know the power and value of a testimony. I know what the invaluable joy of knowing God's love feels like, and I know that there's no other emotion or feeling that compares to understanding how faithful God is to his people. But just because I have known and felt that joy doesn't mean others will understand, and so even if I say something that I know holds so much value as a testament to God's sovereignty, the value in which others receive it might not be that much. They may smile and say, "Oh, that's nice.", but until they experience a relationship with Jesus themselves, they will never be able to have the same desperation to grow a relationship with Christ.

So what can I do? So far this year I have learned that it's important to let God work on his own time, and that our time in family group just really has to be put in his hands. It seems like such a simple and obvious thought, but it's actually really difficult to execute. It's so hard to let God be the one who leads bible study or discussion or whatever. Thinking about it now, I honestly don't even know why I get worried, because I know that when the time is right, hearts will be shaken, and I just need to be patient.

I guess I just answered my own question.

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