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I just stumbled onto this photo of the Drexel freshman from yesterday's sister's appreciation, and words cannot describe how blessed I am just being able to look at this picture. When I look at this image, all I can see is God's faithfulness to Drexel!

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Why is it so hard to remember that?

For the most part, I don't really care that much what people think of me. It's way easier for me to be open and carefree than to wonder how I should display myself so that others will like me. If someone likes me, then yay, we're friends. If not then...is it really that much of a loss to not be friends with someone I don't already know that well? Maybe that's not the best attitude but it's just how things stand in my mind right now.

But when my friendships all of a sudden seem off, that is totally the worst. Because it makes me wonder if I've done anything wrong, or what changed? Even though I'm not always concerned with what others think of me or how they perceive me, I deeply cherish the friendships that I DO have, and so when something seems not right, I get really concerned and it makes me second-guess myself. I've mentioned before how one of my biggest fears is to be un-blessing to others, and it would break my heart to end up being a non-blessing to my friends - people whom I love most.

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I've actually been feeling a little bitter the past couple of days because my parents haven't really been financially supporting me despite my not having a job. Of course they pay my tuition and my rent, which I'm really grateful for, but they've decided to listen to a pastor who advised them to not give me any money, which I think is really unfair. I don't want to sound bratty, but I have school supplies and bills to pay for...and my minimum wage job is definitely not enough to cover all of those expenses, not to mention the fact that I haven't even included groceries and food money into that thought. Last year I worked two jobs and I got by, but at the expense of my church attendance (which only ensued more bitterness towards the church) and I honestly feel like I just cannot win. Not there there's anything to win...but really? It's like all the people around me can just look at me and go, "tsk", instead of just leaving me alone without judgement so I can survive in this ridiculous, financially draining society.

For example, tomorrow (or rather, today), my painting class is going to the Van Gogh exhibit at the art museum. This is a mandatory trip and it is going to cost $20. Which I don't have. I literally only have 5 dollars in my wallet and 10 dollars in my bank account. Also, I have to pay $30 for my senior portraits, which, again, is money I don't have.

Anyway, the point is, maybe I will learn a thing or two about saving during this Lenten season. I don't even think I spend that much money, but apparently I do because I'm always trying to scrounge for money for whatever reason. So maybe by Easter, I'll actually have a pleasant amount of money so I don't have to be so financially stressed out.

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I spent a lot of my time this past day in the library, yet I wasn't able to focus on anything and I was really unproductive. Close to midnight, I started to get pretty frustrated with myself. Why am I such a bad example to the Drexel ministry in that I seem to not even try and be a good student? The more I thought about it, the more discouraged I became and the more I felt like a failure. I ended up calling my parents and asked them to pray for me, which is a pretty huge deal, I think. I know that my parents are always available for me and that they live me, yet it's often difficult for me to call them and talk with them. It's not that I've never done it before, but I guess there's just a certain humility (for lack of a better word?) that comes with it and I'm not always willing to pick up the phone and dial home...but I did tonight and it was overwhelmingly blessing to hear my dad pray for me and my schoolwork.

I also asked for two friends to pray for me and the result was pretty encouraging. In my post a few hours ago, I was definitely struggling. After seeking out and going to my family and friends though, I am definitely so blessed, and so thankful for the ones that God has put in my life. After their prayers and encouragement, I actually remembered an assignment that is due today that I didn't start and had totally forgotten about. It was discouraging, but I was able to focus for the past three hours and get the work done. ptl!

So again, God is so good, and He is so faithful and never fails to show His love for His children. How awesome is His patience for us when we feel discouraged and weary? Thank you thank you!

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Out of all my struggles, the one that tires me out the most are feelings of worthlessness. Because I know that I'm not and I know that my Father loves me. I know that there are people around me who love me. I know that I have a family who will support me and lift me up.

Yet I still feel so worn out, you know? It seems weird to say that I'm worn out from loneliness, but that's exactly what it feels like. The lies of the enemy are so strong, and it gets tiring to close off my ears to them. I'll always find time where I'm all by myself with no one around me to make me feel like I matter...and even though I know that the Lord's love is the only love that can fully sustain me, it's so hard to remember. I'm not exactly sure why...is it because I'm scared that it's not actually sufficient for me? Am I scared because it might mean that I'm not loved the way I want to be loved? Or that I might not feel the exact way I want to feel? I honestly don't know but I wish I could just get over it.

Get me behind me, satan. Yes, I am weary, but your lies are still lies and they will never be Truth no matter how many times you repeat yourself. You can punch me all you want but you will never break me because God has molded me to be strong!

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Something that was really encouraging to our family group is that two of our members accepted Christ during retreat. It was definitely really blessing for me to see kids in my family group believe and know that God is real, that God loves them, and that God is a lifter of burdens. But I've also realized that, even though God is a lifter of burdens, the world still sucks. One of our family group members has gone through a lot and when I met him, I could see that there was a lot of wear and tear on his heart. The church was really comforting to him and he told us that it was a community where he felt like he belonged - something he never really felt before. I know, though, that this time after retreat is a really vulnerable time. I know that the enemy will only try harder to discourage this guy and speak lies into his ears, and I really pray that he won't listen to the lies of the enemy. I hope that he is wary of his surroundings and continues to depend on God and carry his burdens over to the Lord even when it seems like everything is going wrong.

I know that this also has been a lesson in my own life. I've never really understood how exactly to depend on God and how to hand my burdens over to Him. I've never had trouble praying when I was in need, but I think I'm finally starting to understand what it means to really depend on God. I'm still not at a point where I can explain it, but having that assurance that everything is going to be okay and my life will never spiral out of control because God's hand is strong and His grace is so bountiful is so awesome to have on my conscience.

The spiritual battle in this world is all too real and, if we're not careful, it can really break us. But the bible tells us that God is already victorious, so as long as we have confidence in that truth, there is nothing we need to fear. We'll feel the pains sometimes and we'll see the injustice and the suffering around us, but we have to remember that those things are just what the enemy uses to hinder us and confuse us away from our Father. The world is imperfect and the world is decaying, and that is why those things are around us. It is nothing compared to our future in Heaven!

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My hope is that I will always remember that no one is perfect. Even the great characters of the Bible, such as Noah, Abraham, and King David, they were all imperfect! They were sinners, and they were part of Jesus' bloodline! If God called sinners, by His grace, to be His forefathers, should we be surprised that He would call sinners to be His descendants?

I am a sinner. I have nothing to be ashamed of, because I know that Jesus has washed me clean, and really, it's the times that I am at my weakest that I need Jesus the most. It doesn't make sense for me to be held back from worshipping God with all that I have because I've made some mistakes; in fact, that's exactly the reason why I only need to praise Him more! And why wouldn't I? The King cares about me so much that He manifested himself into human form to save me from my imperfections.

There's so much to say and process, so I'll have to continue another time. But I just wanted to remind myself of how refreshing retreat was, despite being kind of hesitant to go at first. Hallelujah!

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