Moreso than that, however, is my fear of being a hindrance to those around me. My biggest fear is definitely being an un-blessing to others, or to cause others to stumble. I don't want to be the cause of someone's unhappiness, hurt, frustrations or annoyances. But it feels like I don't really do a good job of that. I complain a lot, and I get bitter easily. I'm far from being a good role model, and sometimes I feel like, maybe, just maybe, this is who I am. Maybe I'm not able to make a difference, maybe I'm not able to help anyone out, and maybe I cause more destruction than comfort.

I'm not really sure what to do about it; there are so many things I need to change, and I am easily discouraged. How do I be a better blessing to myself so that I can be a blessing to others? I wonder why it's so hard for me to be organized, productive, or active. Why is it so hard for me to be healthy, and why is it so hard for me to be inspired or motivated to do things that are important, instead of just rolling around in bed watching TV?

In the end, my thoughts are pretty inconclusive, which kind of sucks, because I really, really want to be a better person. I just feel stuck within myself.

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This weekend I saw the type of person I never want to be.

I should try to be a lot more conscious about being a nasty gossip or being super judgmental.

Stay transparent.

I should also make a better effort to be cleaner, more organized, and on time.

Be more of an organized and productive student.

Stay happy, stay carefree. Do not be easily annoyed.

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And there are so many things that I want.

But there is nothing I really deserve.

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Today is Day 10: 1 Confession. And this was what I wrote:

It's pretty vague, but it's because I don't know who reads my tumblr, and it can be pretty heavy information for others...and I know my brother follows me. Even though he says he doesn't really ever go on, it's still not anything I can just freely post online, not even here. But I also didn't want to do one of those lame confessions that people post because they know people are reading it; those types of answers that are deep and thought provoking for an audience, but nothing that's actually worth confessing since confessions are so private and all. I digress.

Since it was on my mind, I went back to the letter. The letter he sent me the day after. I've never told anyone about it, and I wonder if I should. I think part of me is scared because his letter seems so nice. It seems like I would've given him a chance, or that I enjoyed myself. And that makes me so angry. It makes me angry because if I didn't agree to see him that day, if I didn't let loneliness get the best of me, or if I had just called Megan or someone else to hang out with, everything would've been okay. Actually, I think I was hanging out with Megan that day, and left early to hang out with him, which makes it even worse. It was my fault. My. Fault.

It was my fault.

It was my fault.

It was my fault.

It will always have been my fault.

I could've prevented it.

I could've stopped it.

So is he right? Is it because I liked it? Is it because I didn't say "No" firmly enough, or enough times? I don't remember saying yes, but I also don't remember much of that day anymore.

Why didn't I punch?

Why didn't I scream?

Why didn't I do anything? Anything at all?

I feel like I've moved on, but a part of me will always wonder. Would I be the same person now if that had never happened? I feel like I wouldn't have made as many mistakes as I have since freshman year of college. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe everything would've happened anyway.

Who knows.

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Not all of our hunger is spiritual, even though we may convince ourselves that it is. We may say we're "fasting" from facebook, but are we really? We may say we're "fasting" from food, but are we really? We fast because we have a genuine hunger for God in our life; or at least, that's how it should be.

Even though we are engaging in spiritual activity, in attending church or praying or worshipping, we still hunger for worldly things. Are we genuine in our cries and our thirst for God, or do we do these things because we think that by following religious practices, God will bless us and do our bidding? Do we go to church and pray to prove to God that we are good children so that he will reward us with what we want, or is it because we love our Father and want a spiritual connection with Him?

In John 5:2-9, Jesus asked an invalid if he wanted to be healed. Instead of an immediate, "Yes, I want to be healed!", the man started giving excuses as to why he hasn't been healed in the past 38 years, even though he sits by a pool with miraculous powers. Like the invalid, we say we are hungry, but we are continuously just waiting for miraculous things to happen to us instead of chasing after our own sustenance. If I was really hungry for God, would I not go out of my way to chase after a relationship with Him? If I want something bad enough, I know I would do anything to obtain it, so why is that not the same case with meeting my Heavenly Father?

Jesus sees our desires to be closer to him, but that doesn't mean we don't need to show initiative. God promises us that if we are sincere, then we will be satisfied in our quest to fill our spiritual hunger and quench our spiritual thirst. Relationships are a two-way street; God is constantly reaching out to us, but we still need to do our part to take His hand.

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