Today is Day 10: 1 Confession. And this was what I wrote:

It's pretty vague, but it's because I don't know who reads my tumblr, and it can be pretty heavy information for others...and I know my brother follows me. Even though he says he doesn't really ever go on, it's still not anything I can just freely post online, not even here. But I also didn't want to do one of those lame confessions that people post because they know people are reading it; those types of answers that are deep and thought provoking for an audience, but nothing that's actually worth confessing since confessions are so private and all. I digress.

Since it was on my mind, I went back to the letter. The letter he sent me the day after. I've never told anyone about it, and I wonder if I should. I think part of me is scared because his letter seems so nice. It seems like I would've given him a chance, or that I enjoyed myself. And that makes me so angry. It makes me angry because if I didn't agree to see him that day, if I didn't let loneliness get the best of me, or if I had just called Megan or someone else to hang out with, everything would've been okay. Actually, I think I was hanging out with Megan that day, and left early to hang out with him, which makes it even worse. It was my fault. My. Fault.

It was my fault.

It was my fault.

It was my fault.

It will always have been my fault.

I could've prevented it.

I could've stopped it.

So is he right? Is it because I liked it? Is it because I didn't say "No" firmly enough, or enough times? I don't remember saying yes, but I also don't remember much of that day anymore.

Why didn't I punch?

Why didn't I scream?

Why didn't I do anything? Anything at all?

I feel like I've moved on, but a part of me will always wonder. Would I be the same person now if that had never happened? I feel like I wouldn't have made as many mistakes as I have since freshman year of college. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe everything would've happened anyway.

Who knows.

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